Week of 2/24/2008

Empty Sack

It's time once again to empty the mail sack.

RE: Cancer

How wonderfully poignant. I'd say more, but I think I'll just leave it at that.
-rwiggum

I'm glad things worked out for you and your family. Something like that really makes you realize what truly is important, and once that is clear, everything else seems to fall into place.

Beautiful and insightful, John.
-SimpleNate

That is one of the most beautiful things I have ever read. I'm glad you came out all right.
-Lag

Thanks for that.
-Tri

Well, I'm glad you all enjoyed my little tale. I should make it clear that I never really thought I had cancer, but once I got to the appointment and saw that kid I almost fucking lost it. As I type this, Ethan's standing in his jumper giggling at me, and that's the sort of thing that raced through my head as my name was called.

Postscript: I had my appointment to get the moles removed yesterday. I was to have three removed, but at the last moment the doctor decided to remove a fourth. Unfortunately for me, he also decided not to numb the mole or tell me he was going to remove it. He simply yanked it off of my neck. Seriously, what the fuck?

Next!

RE: Snow

I love snow. I think it's great.
Bring it, fucker.
-M.C.

I'm right there with you dude, I'm a few more hours north so tiz usually a tad worse here too. Up until a week or so ago or highs were in the negative teens, one day I remember going "wow not that bad" and checked the temperature to find it 5 below. Yeah.....winter sucks
-Dale

John,
Just read CWJ just now about your MN snow. Wow, I thought upstate NY was bad!
-Odo Lives

We get the same thing in Utah. I'll get that "Yay spring!" feeling, whip out the
motorcycle, and BAM! Snow! I do actually like the snow, and colder weather (within reason, 20's start to get pretty miserable), but damnit, I'm usually quite ready for spring half-way through February.
-Arvandor

Funny how the only person who wrote in favor of snow and winter is from Alabama.

And Dale, as much as our winters suck, they don't hold a candle to what you psychos have to deal with in the Dakotas. Seriously, hundreds of miles: no hills, no nothing to block the wind. What's wrong with you people?

Have a great weekend everyone! I'll be back next week to talk Shmuppreciation Month.

John



Cabin Fever

If you've never been here, you've probably heard legends of Minnesota winters. Perhaps you've seen Fargo and while laughing at the all-too-real accents (especially in Western Min-ne-sooooo-ta!) you wondered, "How can those fuckers live in those conditions?"

My friends, I ask myself that same question every year. How the fuck can I live in these conditions? More importantly, why the fuck do I choose to live here?

I've heard people say, "I love snow. I think it's great." or "Minnesota winters are magical." These people need to be hospitalized because they've entered into their own little realities where they've convinced themselves that brutal pain is actually splendid bliss.

Granted, from May until October, Minnesota is an absolutely beautiful place to live. The weather - aside from the insanely hot and sticky conditions of July and August - is generally spectacular, and the scenery is fucking gorgeous. But the moment November rears its ugly head, this place is hell on earth. From the eight tons of snow that continually piles up in my driveway, sending my back into spasms, to the bitter cold temperatures that make me pray for the sweet release of death, this place is a fucking nightmare all the way until the end of March/beginning of April.

And it's fucking relentless. You'll hear people say, "It's supposed to warm up to five degrees tomorrow!" as though that's some sort of consolation. You know how you can be sure you've gone insane? Find yourself praying for weather in the teens. Hell, when it gets to twenty I head outside in my shorts and a t-shirt.

So this weather - this god-damned, forsaken weather - forces me inside for almost five straight months. And all year, I line my house with shit to keep myself entertained in the winter. Movies, videogames, books, magazines. These things fill my house like they're holding up the fucking walls. Shit, in some cases they are the walls. I've got 400 stations on my television, Netflix coming to my mailbox and accessible instantly through my computer. I've got an iTunes library consisting of thousands of songs and videos. All of this shit is to keep me from going mad during the winter months.

But it never fails. When March approaches I find myself itching to get the hell out of hibernation. And March is the cruelest month of all. The snow starts melting, the sun peeks out from behind the ugly, gray clouds, water begins running down the street towards the storm drains, and tiny blades of grass begin appearing from under the snow. And every god-damned year this shit gives me hope. I start wandering outside, just standing on the sidewalk waiting for it all to be over. And just as it starts looking like spring...BAM! Ten feet of motherfucking snow!

Every fucking March.

I'm not going to let March fuck with me this year. I'm going to sit in the house watching another twelve hour marathon of Flavor of Love in my wool pajamas waiting for May. Only then will I poke my head out. Only when I hear my neighbor mowing his yard will I shake off the madness that winter brings.

Fuck this state.

John