Week of 12/1602007

After Hours #3: Christmas

So you're looking at the title wondering how it could possibly be After Hours #3 since we've only released one prior episode. The story is simple: we wanted to get the Christmas episode out before Christmas, and episode #2 will have to wait.

In this episode, we talk about some of our past Christmas experiences, mostly family related. I remembered a doozy just as Hilden was starting the show, so I hope you enjoy that one.

You can download the episode directly here.

John



Marble Peni

Christmas shopping: there's nothing I detest more. It's not the actual act of shopping that I find so objectionable. After all, I consider myself to be a consumer with an unquenchable thirst. So whether I'm shopping for myself or for others, the mere fact that I'm buying shit is enough to satisfy me. What I hate about Christmas shopping is all the bullshit hassle that surrounds it. Oh, and I hate people.

If I'm at an intersection with a green light about to turn right and you're opposite me with a red arrow trying to turn left, do not run that red arrow and try to cut in front of me just so you can get into Target more quickly. And if you do decide to make that choice, do not make a dirty face at me when I follow the written rules of the law by turning right directly in front of you, regardless of the consequences. The way I look at it is either a) you're going to stop and get stuck in the middle of the intersection exposing you as the jackass you are in front of a line of waiting and very angry drivers who are now blocked by your fucking minivan, or b) your insurance company is going to buy me a new car. I'm fine with either decision you make because it's a win/win for me.

Shopping during this time of year brings out a sort of primal kill or be killed instinct. You try to be civil, but your efforts are soon abandoned as you realize that you're dealing with fucking savages.

Take the three heifers I spotted grazing in the middle of an aisle at Target, for example. Now this is one of the main aisles, mind you, and this mini herd of cattle was blocking any and all traffic while they moo'd about stuff that was obviously more important than anything anybody else might have going on that day.

I approached the herd slowly, so as not to either confuse them or be attacked and eaten by them. One of them spotted me out of the corner of her eye but quickly went back to chewing her cud, hoping I hadn't noticed the eye contact. After standing there for a few moments, I finally politely - and quietly - whispered, "Excuse me." Again, I didn't want to startle them and cause a stampede. They slowly paused the conversation and turned their heads towards me. The largest one gave an annoyed sigh and began the slow process of shifting her body weight in order to reposition her heaping cart and even more heaping ass. The opening was narrow, but I managed to slip through.

And then there was the gauntlet of insanity I had to pass through in the toy department. There are no rules here beyond "survive". As you pass through the gauntlet, you'll take an elbow to the chest, risk losing your toes to kart wheels, and dodge the people who decide to stop right in front of you and then pretend you don't exist. If you can escape the gauntlet unscathed and with an item you are truly one of the fortunate few.

We returned home with seven bags full of gifts from four different stores. I don't know how many hundreds of dollars we spent and I'm afraid to tally the receipts. It again occurred to me how absurd this ritual is. Yes, the people who receive these gifts will be happy with them for a while. But then the gift's novelty will fade and they'll be cast aside, thrown away, or perhaps even sold. And next year we'll repeat the whole process again.

I mentioned that I'm a rabid consumer. I buy tons of shit each and every week that I don't need. It's a fucking sickness and I often wonder if I've purchased things because of some diabolical ad campaign. I mean, I never went into a trance and awoke with a Cuisinart in my hand, but I have bought things only to immediately regret the purchase the moment I get it home. I get mad at myself for fitting the stereotype of the typical wasteful, overstuffed American. Every year I go through my massive collection of shit and dump piles of DVDs, CDs, games, etc., into a paper bag to be sold. And what do I do with the money? I go buy more shit! It's a god damned disease. What do I need this crap for?

All that went through my head as I stood in line at the checkout counter, listening to items being scanned, cash registers opening, and bags being filled and placed into carts. It was maddening and disgusting and I was part of the problem.

I thought of balancing the cliche of holiday consumerism with another cliche: the New Year's Resolution. I've never made one before for the simple reason that I believe if you want to change something in your life: fucking do it instead of making some bogus resolution based on the calendar. But perhaps this year I'll resolve to stop shitting away money on wasteful items. And while I'm at it I'll make a second resolution to do all my holiday shopping online.

John